Attempting to deal with what I call Conflict “Wild Cards” (bullies, jerks and those with what are defined by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders-IV (DSM-IV) as Cluster B personality disorders - Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Histrionic Personality Disorder and Antisocial Personality Disorder) is not something I recommend undertaking on your own, or at least without obtaining specialized communication skills and strategies.

One of the other fears people face when facing conflict with another person is their lack of control over the other person’s response, which can keep them stalled in silence for eons. And on the other hand, if that person is like my former friend and has highly-ingrained defensive grooves tightly wired into their brains to such a degree that no matter what you say and how artfully you say it, you’ll never crack through their barriers, you may feel overwhelming exasperation about the easily predicted outcome and may think, “Why even bother?”

The answer is because it is extremely unhealthy to hold upset in and allow it to fester and become an emotional malignancy and/or become misdirected toward people close to you, who often have no connection with the conflict. This is imperative to acknowledge even if you’re totally convinced nothing will change, as again, I knew was the case in my own situation. Perhaps the most important component to bring to the table is communicating as mindfully, clearly and humanely as possible, with no set attachment to the results – or, when the wisest answer is walking away, you do so with grace. Your integrity and impeccability in handling the matter is paramount in your stance toward all conflicts - even where you perceive there will be no solid resolution - in order for it to not be perceived as a total failure, and will grant you the ability to gain the lessons within the challenge. This allows you to build greater equanimity for how you will show up in the next conflict with someone else, and keeps you from being totally taken out. No matter what the situation, try to place yourself in the other person’s shoes in the manner and tone with which you communicate. Even if you are feeling volatile emotions, take time to consider the energy they produce and the velocity with which they can impact the other person(s). Anger is a natural emotion to feel when conflict arises and it is important to let it come out before it devolves into blind rage, but be mindful that it does not own you and eat you (or anyone else) alive.

One of the other fears people have regarding one-on-one conflict is how it will affect the friendships you both share. Asking others to pick sides, especially when they are friends with both parties and have no issues with either of you themselves, is an extremely difficult position to place someone in. However, I do believe it is valuable to ask those who know both of you for their objective feedback as long as you pay attention that you don’t go down the murky and destructive path of gossip. We all have our blind spots, and asking others for their perspective can often shed a light on our own behaviors we had been completely unaware of that may be contributing to the problem.

Also, in my opinion, it is good to be honest about the feelings you have and to share them with others, as long as you don’t come off like a whiny victim or give them ultimatums for the choices they make regarding their friendships with both parties – unless, of course, the person you are in conflict with has committed a heinous crime against you or others that is simply not supportable by any means. One of the difficult outcomes of a conflict with one person is you may lose other friends in the process, but you also learn that when the hooey hits the fan who your real friends are.

As I mentioned above, mindful, clear communication from your side is an unquestionably important component in dealing with conflict. To come from a centered, non-attacking place will be received much better than charging like a frenzied bull. But as social psychologists Carol Tavris and Elliot Aronson point out in their book, Mistakes Were Made (But Not by Me): Why We Justify Foolish Beliefs, Bad Decisions, and Hurtful Acts, although you may be entirely factual in your arguments, people don’t want to be seen as “wrong,” or worse, “stupid.” Even if you express all of your concerns with your heart and mind consciously engaged and without malice, their egoic reaction will quite possibly be defensive and unreceptive. It doesn’t matter that you did not intend to offend them. Their ingrained response to anything that threatens their ego and raises their degree of defensive denial, good excuses and justifications will result in further defensive denial, good excuses and justifications. The stronger the ego needs to hold on to being right, the more it has to find all the ways it can to make you “wrong” and the “bad guy,” including trying to line up others on their side of the field. They will do everything they can to prove they’re “right,” and often without limits. If you are dealing with someone who responds in this manner, keep in mind why his or her reactions are harsh and that may take the sting out of it. And always remember, no communication is communication.

There’s wisdom in the phrases that have become almost cliché: “Do you want to be right – or do you want to be happy?” and “Pick your battles.” But never allow such simple statements to keep you from speaking up when you feel you have been completely misunderstood, falsely accused, treated in any manner that causes you pain, exploits your dignity and/or offends your perspective of right and wrong. Just remember you are always better off to hold a position of mindful awareness and heartfelt honesty, regardless of what the end result will be. No one can rob you of your integrity unless you allow them to.

Suzanne Matthiessen combines Transformative Conflict Mediation and Applied Mindfulness skills to help individuals and groups discover productive, solutions to debilitating and costly interpersonal communication problems. For more information please visit her new website CommunicatingHumanity.org