One of the things I am most confident of is the fact that in our shared humanity, we can see ourselves within the stories told by others, and that fires up our empathy, compassion and the awareness of the existence of interconnection, regardless of the circumstances from which we come. This month’s column falls on the heels of a difficult situation I’m experiencing at the moment, one that I am certain most, if not all, of you can relate to.
I had to let go of a friendship that had reached a point where it was causing me to experience considerable emotional pain and distress. To complicate matters, this person was a member of a group of friends whom I consider family, a majority of whom had no idea anything disharmonious was brewing between the two of us - let alone the fact it had reached a point of implosion. As a professional conflict mediator, one would think I’d be able to prevent this sort of situation from happening in the first place, but mediation is only possible when both parties agree something is wrong. In this case, my former friend was unable to concur problems stemming from her behavior and choices even existed, as much as I tried to bring them into the open. The only course of action I was left to take was to compile and express all my concerns and upsets in the form of a long letter, with the futile hope that somehow a stronger impression would be made than I had been able to accomplish previously during our conversations. But knowing this person has such a strong level of egoic defense mechanisms operating, the likelihood of breaking through that barrier is not promising, hence the need for me to end the friendship for my own well being. As I have discussed before, one of the most important lessons to learn is knowing we cannot fix, change, or save anyone, and sometimes the highest choice we can make is to walk away with at least a willingness to forgive, even though that forgiveness may take some time to fully extend.
Approaching anyone we have an escalating degree of conflict with, in a direct manner is an exceptionally fearful prospect for most people, regardless of how delicately we attempt to broach the subject with him or her. It is easier to tell another person the depth of our distress than it is to tell the person with whom we have the problem what we are witnessing and feeling.

Success coach Tom Ursiny, in his book A Coward’s Guide to Conflict, offers a list of what he feels are the top ten reasons we fear conflict:
1) Fear of harm
2) Fear of rejection
3) Fear of loss of relationship
4) Fear of anger
5) Fear of being seen as selfish
6) Fear of saying the wrong thing
7) Fear of failing
8) Fear of hurting someone else
9) Fear of getting what you want
10) Fear of intimacy
I agree all these fears are valid, but they can cripple and disempower us to such a high degree that in the long run we will suffer far greater than we would if we just faced these fears and bravely transcended them. You’re probably thinking, “Easier said than done.” But by reframing conflict as an opportunity instead of just a thorny problem you wish would just go away can help you shift out of fear mode, and you can move into a position where both your heart and mind can work in tandem to become proactively empowered and centered in your approach to the situation. By bringing mindful self-and-other-compassion and empathy as well as calm inner strength along with you as you face any of the above fears in your desire for resolution and peace-building, you can create a doorway for a transformative process to occur for the benefit of all involved. This does not by any means suggest that assertiveness and “tough love” are ruled out; in fact, they are very important aspects of standing with quiet power as opposed to quaking with volatile force. However, if revenge, vindication, passive-aggression, avoidance, defensiveness, blame, justification, sabotage, or any of the multitudes of negative tactics humans compulsively reach for when facing conflicts are allowed into the mix, there is no hope for a positive, enlightening outcome.
Let me pause for a moment and say that any conflict where there is a fear of violent retaliation or continued abuse must be handled with the aid of legal protection and professionals skilled in working with those who possess mental and emotional disorders.

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